I miss the mania
Being manic, there’s no explaining it. When I’m manic I’m on top of the world. I’m so happy. I love everyone. My house is spotless along with my yard. I’m more productive at work. I long for those manic days. I long to feel free of the depression and suicidal thoughts.
The downside to mania is tough. There’s no sleeping whatsoever. I have to take sleeping pills and even with them I sometimes can’t sleep. I’ll blow my entire pay check the same day I get it leaving me 2 weeks with absolutely no money. I shop and shop because I need and need. I can’t tell myself no. And the things I would post on social media (smh) that’s why I deleted it.
When the episode ends and I’m left with the depression it feels like my world deflates. I miss the mania when it’s gone. I really do. I know it’s unhealthy. I’m on medication to keep me stable which has caused me to not go manic and I hate it. I’m left in a depression instead of the happy.
To me the mania feels like an addiction. An addiction to the feeling because for so long of time I’m left feeling empty and lonely. But during the mania I’m not. I’m alive and happy and filled. It’s a complete change for me. I don’t know how others feel, but that’s how I feel.
My hope is that I can find the right medication that will give me the happiness without the sleepless nights. That will give me that alive feeling without being so careless. So far, 2 years later, no medication can give me that feeling. And I don’t know if I’m searching for an unattainable feeling. I hope I’m not. I hope I can achieve it because it’s all I want in life. I want to get rid of the depression that lingers day in and day out.